5 FFS Moments

1. When you are laden with shopping bags, sweating your tits off and running like crap to catch your bus. You know you have precisely 17 seconds before it leaves the bay in the central bus station and it is always as prompt as a shit after a vodka.  There’s no one in the queue and the automatic sliding door is open.  You hurl yourself towards it hoping if you misjudge this leap of faith that the sensors will kick in.

They don’t. 

The door closes and you’re just not quick enough to get through.  The bus leaves the bay at a leisurely pace, the bus driver smiles at you as you are left stuck fast and flapping around trying to break free. You accept your fate and wait patiently for a bus station employee to find you and release you.

2.Throwback to the early 2000’s (Yes I’m THAT old) – You are debuting your new low slung, midriff showing, ultra baggy combats with hundreds of pockets and dangly bits, Kylie Minogue esc circa 2001 style.  Your shoes are the pointiest pair of ankle strapped stilettos the world has ever seen.  You are cool as Fuck.  Crossing the dance floor booming out your favourite song suddenly your pointiness gets caught in your bagginess and in the blink of an eye you are laid fully out, face down amongst the good time girls and party people. The worst part is you are so embarrassed that you continue to lay there.  Unsure of your own logic surrounding this decision after a whole 2 or 3 minutes you have no other choice but to get up.  By this time you realise a circle of approximately 20 to 30 people has surrounded you, possibly checking you are not dead.

3.You need the toilet for a number two.  You are downstairs alone in your house.  You don’t completely shut the door properly because after all you are completely alone in your house.  Your dog who suffers from separation anxiety and cannot even let you have a turd in privacy is there with you. You are getting down to business and are unable to move.  Your dog chooses this exact moment to recover from his anxiety, push open the cracked door and bolt out leaving the door fully open and out of your reach.  It is unfortunate to say the least that your downstairs toilet is situated directly in front of the main door of your house which is flanked by two large floor length windows.  Timing impeccable, the postman is outside on the porch just about to knock on the door attempting I assume a parcel delivery.  Our eyes meet through the glass and I want to die. I then realise it is the same poor man that disturbed my topless sunbathing the week before. I have never seen this postie again and can only assume he left his job and had a breakdown. I will gladly pay for his counselling.

4.You have jobs to do on your lunch break.  Today you only have 30 minutes.  There is no time for food, only errands.  Your tummy is growling and becoming full of air due to lack of sustenance.  You leave your place of work and hurry across the pedestrianised street to the bank. Fully out in the open you realise a pump is going to come out but it feels like a quiet one.  One of those that is full of air only.  One you can disguise in public.  You make a decision.  It is the wrong one.  An almighty fart leaves your cheeks and sounds as though someone has just let go of a balloon.  You try to disguise it as a high heeled shoe scrape across the pavement.  You are fooling no one.

5.When your daughter asks for a pet rabbit and you agree knowing full well you will have to be vigilant because you have a big dog that is partial to eating small furries.  You take all the necessary precautions. A chain for the dog (a small linked flimsy one, not the mean kind) for when he is outside unattended, a metal run for the rabbit, and a plan to keep them in separate gardens at all times. You realise both pets have been outside in their respective gardens in their respective runs, chains etc for 30 minutes without supervision so you go and check all is well. 

 All is not well.

The flimsy chain now dangles alone without a dog on it and the rabbit run is now completely flat with no rabbit in it.  You survey the area to be greeted with a horrifying scene.  The dog is under the trampoline, face covered in blood, looking particularly pleased with himself, standing next to a rabbits body that now has no head. 

You try and explain to your 7 year old that the rabbit had a sudden illness during the night and went to heaven.  You have a funeral for the rabbit that you cleverly concealed in a shoe box but, lately your 5 year old has had an unhealthy obsession with all things dead  and you worry that as soon as your back is turned he will dig it up (mainly because at the funeral that’s exactly what he said he would do)

These are a small selection of my vast collection of awkward moments I have experienced and wanted to share these in the spirit of National Awkward Moments Day which is today Thursday 18th March 2021.

You’ve got to laugh … It’s better than crying.